From both a Buddhist (non-violent) and a healthy psychological view, if you have an unwholesome intention and are consciously choosing to manipulate or hurt others, you’re limiting your own capacity for change and stunting the creative unfolding of your own life. Your energy is being wasted on the futile effort of trying to force the external world to conform to your vision. The mental and emotional effort required to maintain these actions is enormous. Having wise intention is more than merely ethical; it’s necessary for psychological well-being and clear thinking.

The greater our facility with language, the more tempting it can be to try to control situations through our words. Insults and sarcasm can dominate and intimidate others, and someone who’s very verbally gifted may use these techniques to manipulate others in a subtle or not-so-subtle way. Gossip unfairly gives us power over others. Left-handed compliments designed to make someone doubt himself and feel weak, or carefully constructed insults designed to humiliate another person while preventing him from recognizing that he’s being ridiculed publicly, are common weapons in the arsenal of one who doesn’t exercise wise speech.

Wise speech requires mindful attention to the power of your words and the messages underneath them. Recognize that your tone of voice, facial expression, and body language matter, and drop any defensiveness that arises in you when someone points out the discrepancy between the literal meaning of your words and the message you’re sending with your eyes, crossed arms or disrespectful tone.

Direct, honest communication even if it’s uncomfortable is vital if you want to have more productive and respectful conversations. Often, I’ve counseled executives who had no idea just how intimidating or disrespectful they were when speaking to employees. When in a panic, they tended to respond with aggressive speech meant to frighten others into changing their behavior in order to placate upper management. This approach shuts down productive communication, reducing the manager’s ability to see the larger picture, make better decisions and effectively influence his or her team. Good leaders carefully hone what they say, mindfully expressing themselves.

When we cultivate wise speech, we don’t fear saying something wrong. However, we’re more attuned to the quality of our words and their effect on others. We speak up and say, “You seem upset by what I just said. Have I hurt your feelings?” inviting the other person to let go of his suffering. Wise speech fosters good relationships and partnerships and prevents future crises.

Sometimes, we should speak up in order to influence someone to change, but wise speech requires that we do so kindly and respectfully. Although it may seem well-meaning, being blunt or tactless with another is unkind and usually motivated not by a genuine desire to help that person but by the need to feel superior and be intimidating. Wise speech is gentle, never cruel or harsh. It enhances the situation by inviting everyone to improve it instead of shutting down the communication process.

To speak the truth respectfully, you must let go of your desire to pressure others into doing what you want. At some point, you may discern that no matter how often you say the same thing with kindness, honesty and compassion, you’ll never affect the other person the way you’d like. Part of wise speech is letting go of your attachment to having your words change the way others think, feel or behave.

But not only do we need to be conscious of the words we say to others but also the ones we direct at ourselves. Despite their popularity in our culture, cynicism and pessimism have been shown to be poor tools for creating a sense of well-being, although they may provide an illusory sense of power for a short time. The cynic who claims, “I know the system isn’t set up to allow people like me to achieve my goals,” isn’t empowered but trapped in an unwholesome state of mind where his only choices are anger, sadness and other unwholesome emotions. There can be no true joy or contentment in believing that what lies ahead will, in all certainty, generate more suffering.

Often people who are verbally abusive have the personality diseases of insecurity, inferiority, helplessness and hopelessness. When I’m coaching or counseling my clients I teach them is how to become mindfully aware of their unwholesome emotions so instead of being completely immersed in an experience that they’re unwittingly manipulating, they’ll experience a sense, however fleeting, that they’re doing something unwholesome.

An uncomfortable thought such as, “I’m trying to make him feel guilty so that he does what I want him to,” or “I ought to let her know that I disagree, but it’s easier for me to say yes and work behind her back to do what I really want” may arise. Instead of quickly dismissing it, they allow themselves to experience any guilt or shame that arises. Then they consciously and bravely explore why they feel the need to resort to manipulation and control. This discovery process gives them the strength to accept the situation exactly as it is, even if they don’t like it, and use positive means to influence it for the better.

Ronald Alexander, Ph.D. is the author of the widely acclaimed book, Wise Mind, Open Mind: Finding Purpose and Meaning in Times of Crisis, Loss, and Change. He is the director of the OpenMind Training® Institute, practices mindfulness-based mind-body psychotherapy and leadership coaching in Santa Monica, CA, for individuals and corporate clients. He has taught personal and clinical training groups for professionals in Integral Psychotherapy, Ericksonian mind-body healing therapies, mindfulness meditation, and positive psychology nationally and internationally since 1970. (www.openmindtraining.com)

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According to the most recent APA “Stress in America” survey, nearly half of today’s adults reported being more stressed out. And just as many say they’re simply unable to control the important aspects of their lives. The key to dealing with a stressful situation, especially for those who take things personally, is to develop a deeply grounded core rudder so that no matter what size of wave one encounters they can recover quickly and proceed with more focus.

My good friend and colleague, Dr. Judith Orloff recently posted a blog from her new book, The Power of Surrender on how letting go, relinquishing control, and being more flexible can help relieve stress. The art of letting go or surrendering is part of the mindfulness meditation practice I discuss in my book, Wise Mind, Open Mind. Meditation helps to quiet the rational mind, and allow you to open up to the intuitive creative mind. Through this connection one is able to build what I call “mindstrength,” learn to stop their reactivity, and focus on the big picture.

I’ve found in my practice patients who are in a stressful situation benefit from answering the following questions, which allows them to shift from a reactive state and become more proactive.

1. What do I feel right now?
2. Do these feelings benefit me in any way? If I feel anxious and fearful, do these emotions lead me to insights, or are they completely unwholesome responses that cause conflict, hold me back, and distract and dis-empower me?
3. If what I’m experiencing is in response to another person’s behavior, what’s the evidence that that person’s actions have little or nothing to do with me and are, instead, the result of what’s going on inside his own mind?
4. Is there anything I can do to help myself depersonalize the situation?
5. Are there practices I can use to nourish myself at this difficult time?

Here are some additional forms of stress and solutions on how to let them go from Judith Orloff’s new book.

Work Stress—Don’t Compare, Compliment

If you’re stressed out at work, stop comparing yourself to others, and focus on what you’re grateful for. Instead of envying someone’s success, consider what you can learn from them and wish them well. Letting go this way can be very liberating, freeing you to change at least some of your work related behaviors.

Relationship Stress—Show Compassion, Relinquish Control

Yelling at your spouse, partner, or children won’t relieve your stress. The key is to stay calm, no matter what buttons your loved one has pushed. Don’t react or get defensive, and allow the other person to finish talking. Let what they say sink in before you respond. Substitute compassion for control. Accept where they’re coming from.

Physical Stress—Move Don’t Mope

Here is a surprisingly simple solution: To let go of physical stress, let your body do what it was designed to do – move. At least several times a week, visit the gym, walk your dog, swim, or do yoga stretches. Movement relaxes muscles, reduces tension, and helps you sleep better. If you are physically stressed out surrender to the bliss of your body’s sacred energy and love your body through movement.

Time-Related Stress—Let Nature Calm You

The American culture rushes people through life, work, and relationships. We don’t allow ourselves enough time to let things happen at their own pace, and surrender to the flow. Take time stressors to go outside and focus on a cloud, watch it drift, and notice its changing shape. Let the air rush through and around you and clear out your mind. Drink a glass of water and take a relaxing shower to cleanse the negativity and work deadlines from your system. These calming exercises can help your rushing mind slow down and gain perspective.

Illness-Related Stress—Trust Your Body’s Healing Powers

An illness can often lead to depression. To keep negative thoughts from overwhelming you, change your negative beliefs (I will never heal) to positive ones (I trust my body’s healing powers). Instead of getting stressed out, listen to your body—and if a treatment or a doctor’s approach doesn’t feel right to you, question it. Get enough sleep and avoid people and settings that deplete or de-energize you.

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I asked if I could interrupt and work with them for a few minutes. By taking 12 minutes to practice what was once an ancient meditation practice but is now very mainstream we applied the basic principles of intention setting the mind on a positive outcome coupled with focusing on the breath. After about fifteen minutes the group entered what I call in my book Wise Mind, Open Mind the practice of mindful meditative inquiry and it didn’t take long for the group to recognize that they were all experiencing similar fears and concerns. They realized that they all saw the core problem and wanted to solve it, whereas before, all they perceived was a power struggle—each one determined to win. Now the marketing team was able to find common ground and get to the heart of what had worked for this recording artist in the past. This time I noticed “no” was used approximately16 times and “YES” was the predominate word of choice. They finally worked out a solution that the star agreed to and soon after the new marketing push, the recording shot to the top of the charts.

Whenever we’re facing an unpleasant or alarming situation, we’re likely to become anxious and try to figure out what we can do instead of becoming quiet and seeking new ideas or revisiting what worked in the past. We quickly make a decision about our course and focus on getting others to agree to go along with the program. This desire to take control can lead to great suffering.

Twenty five hundred years ago the Buddha understood how to accept the impermanent nature of things, stop clinging and grasping, and let go of the need to control the situation that one can find themselves in. He developed an eightfold path of wise view, intention, speech, action, livelihood, effort, mindfulness and concentration to find balance between acceptance and doing what needs to be done to positively affect your circumstances. Here is a brief synopsis of these strategies from my book, Wise Mind, Open Mind where I give additional practical advice on accepting change.

The Eightfold Path to Letting Go of the Need to Control

First Path: Wise View

In wise view, you recognize that it’s not your job, nor is it in your power, to control what happens outside of you. You understand that instead, you can only control what happens within your own mind.

Second Path: Wise Intention

To exercise wise intention, you must be mindful of any propensity toward allowing your fear to rule you. When operating from a primitive, fearful state, everything seems to be a threat to survival, and the mind begins to justify actions it otherwise would recognize as domineering and manipulative.

Third Path: Wise Speech

The greater our facility with language, the more tempting it can be to try to control situations through our words. Insults and sarcasm can intimidate others. Gossip and left-handed compliments are also common weapons in the arsenal of one who doesn’t exercise wise speech.

Fourth Path: Wise Action

Wise action means not acting in controlling, manipulative, or coercive ways. It means not being vengeful, regardless of how badly you’ve been hurt. The thirst for revenge comes from clinging to the past and to the lost opportunity to prevent suffering. People can obsess over what they should’ve done differently, and sometimes that obsession turns into vengefulness as they try to “right” a wrong.

Fifth Path: Wise Livelihood

Livelihood refers not just to what you do for a living but your purpose, which weaves meaning into every action. Whatever you spend your time doing, whatever it is that gives you a sense of purpose, Buddhist tradition says that you must do it mindfully, giving it the focus and effort it deserves.

Sixth Path: Wise Effort

To exercise wise effort is to focus and discipline your mind to align it with your wise intention. It’s very easy to resort to controlling behavior in a difficult situation, even if you intend not to. Wise effort requires letting go of what no longer works and engaging in courageous new actions that leads to transformation.

Seventh Path: Wise Mindfulness

Mindfulness is what grounds you in the present so that when you start to drift off into obsessing about the past, or start making plans to wrest control of a situation, you instead stop and look deeply at your negative and controlling patterns. Being fully focused on what’s happening in the moment, experiencing your unwholesome and painful feelings, requires what I call “mindstrength,” the ability to very quickly and easily shift out of a reactive mode and become fully present in the moment.

Eighth Path: Wise Concentration

By exercising wise concentration, you remain present in your awareness of a situation exactly as it is, and instead of being reactive, you’ll find that you suddenly know how to respond to it in a wholesome, productive way. You’ll be able to focus on what’s going on inside you instead of what’s going on outside of you.

So take a deep breath inhale and exhale, set your mind on what you wish, and await a more positive outcome. Enjoy your day with mindfulness!

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