Early on in my career, I was consulting for a major film and music studio in Los Angeles when a woman approached me to say, “Dr. Ron, I really love what you are teaching us, but would you like some feedback?” I had learned from Ram Dass that he always read letters and evaluations he got from his talks and teachings and what he listened most intently to was in reading negative feedback. And he would not only read and reread the more hostile and critical feedback forms but, when he could, he would either call the people up or write to them to better understand the feedback and where it was coming from. Some of those letters turned into long exchanges he kept going until he felt he had truly processed what they were telling him. I knew that even if it bruised my ego a little to be criticized, this woman who had approached me might offer me some helpful insights, so I said, “Fire away.”

She said that she loved what I was teaching—“but you’re teaching in the voice of an upper-crust white male.” I was taken aback but recognized that this woman had done me a favor in pointing out my bias. I took a deep breath and said, “Tell me more,” and she gave me at least five examples where I had offered case examples about work that were all about men—and white men at that. In my family, we had six sisters and four brothers, but it was obvious to me that I’d adopted some of my dad’s strongly embedded views that came from spending his career in a corporate world dominated by white men. My dad had always seemed to discuss men when he told his work-related stories. Rarely, if ever, had he brought up any stories about women. I hadn’t thought about how his limited experience working with women at his office back in an era when there were fewer women in the workplace might have influenced the types of anecdotes he shared.

I thanked the woman for sharing her perspective and promised I would change up my teaching stories. As a result of her feedback, I now think and teach with diversity in the foreground.

Fortunately, this woman’s criticism came from an open heart so it was easy not to take offense to her suggestion. If you’re asked to give feedback to someone in your life or at work, I find these four techniques from my book Core Creativity keeps the conversation positive and productive:

1. Give your undivided attention. When someone is telling you about their project or showing it to you, give them your undivided attention. Don’t scroll on your phone, don’t multitask, and don’t interrupt except to ask for clarification. Set the foundation for them to be honest and vulnerable.

2. Respond with positivity. If you think it’s an awful idea, you can say something like, “It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought and work into this project so far.” Go ahead and compliment them for their efforts rather than the outcome.

3. Ask questions from a place of genuine curiosity. Use questions like, “I don’t think I’ve
heard that before. How did you come up with that idea?” and “What about this plan appeals to you the most?” Understanding where they’re coming from and what their aspirations were can help you to better encourage them and give them constructive feedback. You can share what you’ve done in similar situations and what the outcome was. In this way, you’re making yourself vulnerable and making them feel more comfortable with any criticism you offer because you’re showing that at times, you’ve been unsure or made wrong turns.

4. Offer feedback diplomatically. Finally, you can suggest something you think they might work on, but wait to see how they respond before you give them more feedback. Don’t overwhelm people with criticism and advice. You can ask whether they would like more feedback or if they would rather work with their project some more first. In both my Art of Leadership and Core Creativity workshops, I’ll often ask: Would you like feedback from me mild, medium, or severe like the hottest salsa?

If you want feedback on a project or issue you’re working on remember that you’ll want diversity among the people you consult with in your decision-making process. You might benefit from asking for feedback from someone with expertise in a particular area, someone who is good with alerting you to your emotions, someone with a different temperament—or someone who is very intuitive.

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But is it your heart wanting it or your ego? Is it our drive to create what we think we need or our heart speaking?

So many people struggle with these questions, you’re not alone. When it comes to dating or relationships it often seems like there we are always looking to change, fix or control something or someone, or struggling to reach a goal, whether that means meeting the right person, getting a commitment in an existing relationship, or changing something about someone you love..

Ironically, this ongoing struggle to achieve want your heart longs for, could be pushing it further and further away.

Mindfulness teaches us that in becoming the witness of our own thoughts and feelings we can reduce our stress, overcome anxiety and become more clear and focused. But the important factor not to forget when using this tool in dating and relationships is that we cannot control or fix the person in front of us. We could be in a perpetual state of present awareness, but if that awareness doesn’t involve a conscious acceptance of what is then we are in danger of being embroiled in a codependent relationship and a struggle to change or control the people who come into our lives and reach our hearts.

When we go into that Mindful state of presence, it’s important to include a sense of acceptance, of who our love interest is as a person and what they are capable of. We must accept in order not to fall into the codependent relationship trap of trying to fix or change them, to control forces that are outside of ourselves.

When we enter into a Mindful state with the intention of acceptance, we observe our thoughts and our feelings, be them frustration, longing or sadness, and we accept them without judgement, we must also in this state be conscious of accepting the person or relationship dissatisfaction that may be causing them.

This does not mean that we should put up with bad behavior or abuse, just that we acknowledge we cannot control or change the other person, that most of our struggle comes through fighting this and that we do so in full present awareness of the effect these feelings are having on us. It is only then we can truly take conscious action to make the right choices when dating, to leave or stay in a relationship, to adapt, change or work on ourselves – the only person we CAN work on in a relationship.

Blog contributed by Joanna Smith who specializes in mindfulness, codependent relationships, and self-esteem issues.

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From both a Buddhist (non-violent) and a healthy psychological view, if you have an unwholesome intention and are consciously choosing to manipulate or hurt others, you’re limiting your own capacity for change and stunting the creative unfolding of your own life. Your energy is being wasted on the futile effort of trying to force the external world to conform to your vision. The mental and emotional effort required to maintain these actions is enormous. Having wise intention is more than merely ethical; it’s necessary for psychological well-being and clear thinking.

The greater our facility with language, the more tempting it can be to try to control situations through our words. Insults and sarcasm can dominate and intimidate others, and someone who’s very verbally gifted may use these techniques to manipulate others in a subtle or not-so-subtle way. Gossip unfairly gives us power over others. Left-handed compliments designed to make someone doubt himself and feel weak, or carefully constructed insults designed to humiliate another person while preventing him from recognizing that he’s being ridiculed publicly, are common weapons in the arsenal of one who doesn’t exercise wise speech.

Wise speech requires mindful attention to the power of your words and the messages underneath them. Recognize that your tone of voice, facial expression, and body language matter, and drop any defensiveness that arises in you when someone points out the discrepancy between the literal meaning of your words and the message you’re sending with your eyes, crossed arms or disrespectful tone.

Direct, honest communication even if it’s uncomfortable is vital if you want to have more productive and respectful conversations. Often, I’ve counseled executives who had no idea just how intimidating or disrespectful they were when speaking to employees. When in a panic, they tended to respond with aggressive speech meant to frighten others into changing their behavior in order to placate upper management. This approach shuts down productive communication, reducing the manager’s ability to see the larger picture, make better decisions and effectively influence his or her team. Good leaders carefully hone what they say, mindfully expressing themselves.

When we cultivate wise speech, we don’t fear saying something wrong. However, we’re more attuned to the quality of our words and their effect on others. We speak up and say, “You seem upset by what I just said. Have I hurt your feelings?” inviting the other person to let go of his suffering. Wise speech fosters good relationships and partnerships and prevents future crises.

Sometimes, we should speak up in order to influence someone to change, but wise speech requires that we do so kindly and respectfully. Although it may seem well-meaning, being blunt or tactless with another is unkind and usually motivated not by a genuine desire to help that person but by the need to feel superior and be intimidating. Wise speech is gentle, never cruel or harsh. It enhances the situation by inviting everyone to improve it instead of shutting down the communication process.

To speak the truth respectfully, you must let go of your desire to pressure others into doing what you want. At some point, you may discern that no matter how often you say the same thing with kindness, honesty and compassion, you’ll never affect the other person the way you’d like. Part of wise speech is letting go of your attachment to having your words change the way others think, feel or behave.

But not only do we need to be conscious of the words we say to others but also the ones we direct at ourselves. Despite their popularity in our culture, cynicism and pessimism have been shown to be poor tools for creating a sense of well-being, although they may provide an illusory sense of power for a short time. The cynic who claims, “I know the system isn’t set up to allow people like me to achieve my goals,” isn’t empowered but trapped in an unwholesome state of mind where his only choices are anger, sadness and other unwholesome emotions. There can be no true joy or contentment in believing that what lies ahead will, in all certainty, generate more suffering.

Often people who are verbally abusive have the personality diseases of insecurity, inferiority, helplessness and hopelessness. When I’m coaching or counseling my clients I teach them is how to become mindfully aware of their unwholesome emotions so instead of being completely immersed in an experience that they’re unwittingly manipulating, they’ll experience a sense, however fleeting, that they’re doing something unwholesome.

An uncomfortable thought such as, “I’m trying to make him feel guilty so that he does what I want him to,” or “I ought to let her know that I disagree, but it’s easier for me to say yes and work behind her back to do what I really want” may arise. Instead of quickly dismissing it, they allow themselves to experience any guilt or shame that arises. Then they consciously and bravely explore why they feel the need to resort to manipulation and control. This discovery process gives them the strength to accept the situation exactly as it is, even if they don’t like it, and use positive means to influence it for the better.

Ronald Alexander, Ph.D. is the author of the widely acclaimed book, Wise Mind, Open Mind: Finding Purpose and Meaning in Times of Crisis, Loss, and Change. He is the director of the OpenMind Training® Institute, practices mindfulness-based mind-body psychotherapy and leadership coaching in Santa Monica, CA, for individuals and corporate clients. He has taught personal and clinical training groups for professionals in Integral Psychotherapy, Ericksonian mind-body healing therapies, mindfulness meditation, and positive psychology nationally and internationally since 1970. (www.openmindtraining.com)

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When people are in a reactive state while arguing they often shift into unwholesome emotions such as blaming, criticizing, judging, attacking or finding fault in order to justify their position. Once a person falls into these negative reactions they can become frozen or stuck in one of the three corner stones of a power struggle – dominating, manipulating and/or controlling. When this happens it leads to a breakdown in communications. So how can you stay centered and nonreactive when you’re in a heated conversation? Well the process begins by becoming a Mindful Listener.

The object in resolving a conflict is ideally for both individuals to start practicing mindful (meaning being in the present) listening and speaking. The first step is to recognize that you are in an unwholesome or unproductive pattern. After you acknowledge this aspect it is then important to categorize what the power struggle is about and to give it a title. For example, most couples argue about money, sex, time, responsibilities, and attention, so you could be fighting about one of these issues.

After you have established the cause of the communications breakdown the next step is key, as this is where you cut through the knot of the power struggle to address all aspects of the conflict that are tied up in it. To achieve this I recommend to my patients a simple mindful listening exercise. Mindful listening means being totally in the present and aware of not only the words but also the body language and actions of the other person. First, person A is the speaker who starts by talking about what is on his/her mind. Person B is the listener who listens in a mindful way and only after Person A is finished sincerely responds with, “I heard everything that you said and I will be aware of all your thoughts, feelings and perceptions from this moment forward.0 Then reverse the roles with Person A being the listener. By learning to deeply and sincerely listen to the other person you can discover where you are stuck in the conflict.

Once you and your partner understand the root of the conflict it is much easier to shift out of a reactive mode. Now the two of you can work on creating a new or different perspective to what isn’t working in the relationship. This unique approach involves a different way of speaking in order to shift your involvement. For example after you have been able to unravel the strands of the conflict you and your partner can take turns saying to each other, “I recognize that what you’re saying is ¬¬¬______ and the action that I will take to create a shift is ________. What I promise to do differently is _______ and the request that I have for you in return is _______.”

As you both develop wise listening and speaking skills you’ll start to notice when you’re tempted to respond to each other with cruelty and sarcasm, and you’ll instantly remember that you want to let go of that old behavior pattern. You’ll begin to enhance the new neural network in your brain that fosters an awareness of your forthrightness and strength, and open up to your compassion and kindness. You’ll stop feeling guilty and denying your tendency to be sarcastic, because your compassion toward yourself and others will dissolve your desire to issue a cutting remark. Then, when your spouse or coworker makes a comment that you disagree with or that makes you uncomfortable, you’ll be able to consciously choose a new, more wholesome and productive way of responding, changing the tenor of your relationship with them and fostering better relationships.

Adapted from Ronald Alexander’s book “Wise Mind, Open Mind: Finding Purpose and Meaning in Times of Crisis, Loss, and Change”

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How can you stop the rain from falling down?

How can you stop the sun from shining?

……Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

– Lyrics from the Bee Gee’s 1971 Hit Song

When we suffer a deep loss or trauma our hearts can literally feel that they have been shattered into a million pieces. Or we feel that our heart has broken open and we are bleeding metaphorically. At times it can even be difficult to breathe. Our heart is both a living organ that is our life source as well as an emotional mind/body metaphor referred to when we experience heartache and sorrow. It’s as if the heart that beats to an electrical energy wave becomes short circuited and burns out, flares out or is broken into many tiny pieces.

After the initial shock of a loss many feel the need to push aside their grief lest it overwhelms them with its intensity. This is understandable, but the longer you avoid your pain and attempt to push it away, the more difficult it will be to break out of the paralysis. Just as birds are drawn to bread crumbs on the ground, the pain will keep returning after you shoo it away.

When I work with my patients in the initial stage of sorrow I suggest that at first they just sit with their pain and grief, simply noticing it as if they are sitting on a riverbank watching these heavy feelings float downstream. During this time many of them ask, “Why is this happening to me?” While it is impossible for us to see the big picture, I suggest to them that when they are ready to use this experience to honor themselves by learning, and growing from it. A translation of a Rumi poem says, “When your heart breaks (open), journey deep inside.” So if you are going to be courageous and take that journey it’s helpful to be guided by the following seven steps for overcoming and transforming a broken heart.

Step 1: Struggle with Denial

Denial is the first round of defense that we immediately enter into like the first chamber in the heart that breaks. In this inner chamber we face the demons of trying every which way to not accept the loss. It’s as if a visitor with bad news has entered our home and we try to push him/her back outside so we don’t have to listen to the painful message.

Step 2: Acknowledging your Brokenness

You must start to acknowledge to yourself that your heart has been broken by someone, something or some event. Step into the experience of attempting to tolerate the unbearable quality of this sorrow. I say “attempt” to deal with the sorrow as you must acknowledge that your pain in order over time to learn to manage, handle, and heal it.

Step 3: Overcoming Rationalization

We rationalize this is not happening, it can’t be so, it’s only a terrible nightmare, things will change and everything will be as it was! The denial of pain. We pray to God that if this experience is taken from us we will repent, we will change, we will dedicate our life to a great cause. Anything but to feel this deep, aching wound of hurt and sorrow. So often when our heart is breaking we want someone, anyone to tell us what to do, or where to go, or how to instantly heal.

Step 4: Surrender

The Beatles insightful song Tomorrow Never Knows says, “Turn off your mind, relax and float down stream ….That you may see the meaning of within.” The step of entering into the chamber of Surrender is an essential stage in order to allow the self to begin the arduous process of mending a broken heart. When we surrender, we enter the state of not knowing and not doing. Since we do not know just how long the journey will take it is helpful to accept what I write about in my book Wise Mind Open Mind that we never fully get over a loss but instead we learn to navigate through it. “Taking as long as it takes” is a phrase I use with my patients while they are in this stage.

Step Five: Acceptance

It takes great courage to pull yourself up off the floor, bed, or couch and get back into the world when your heart is broken. Acceptance gives us the first few steps we need to begin to slowly scratch and claw our way back into the land of the living. One of the most painful aspects of when I had a broken heart was going out to the movies or dinner or on a vacation and all I ever saw was couples or families but still we need to exercise the organ of the emotional heart with fierce grace in order to step forward and go back outside into the world of possibilities.

Step Six: Embrace the Now

The Buddha said what is past is now dead and gone; the past is the past, the present is now, and the future is yet to arrive. When grieving we tend to live in the past reliving the trauma or memories of the one we lost. Now memories are important to maintain but within reason. In order to take the next step we must embrace the present to manifest the future. One of the easiest and most effect techniques that I recommend to my patients is to develop a mindfulness meditation practice (see the video below for tips on how to meditate). By practicing mindfulness we can learn to slowly tolerate, pace the painful feelings, and slow down the afflictive and repetitive thought patterns. In my book, Wise Mind, Open Mind I have a specific meditation to overcome a broken heart. Mindfulness is both an ancient and modern non sectarian method for teaching us to follow our breath in and out and to relax, to let go of the pain and eventually release and transform it into vitality, acceptance and equanimity. Other methods to help one become more present are yoga, Tai Chi, walks in nature, jogging or visiting museums.

Step Seven: Create a New Future

There is a field of thinking within positive psychology that says the way through pain includes becoming your own architect and actively engaging and involving yourself in the planning of a new future. The victim in us will want to remain on the floor curled up in agony, wishing to avoid any future painful experiences that life may present to us. One who is engaged and empowered realizes and accepts that the past is the past and all we have now is the present moment and the future. It’s all in the next breath in and the next breath out and creating in your mind’s eye a future storyline for yourself. Dare to dream and be wild with your imagination. Have the courage to dream any positive, loving, creative future with no bounds. Remember after Death comes Rebirth!

It’s your storyline you are creating, like writing the next chapter of your life in a novel. But in your story I challenge you to JUMP into the water, catch the next wave and maybe you will just be surprised and delighted to experience yourself riding that new wave with confidence, joy and possibility!!!

Download the Broken-Heart Recovery Mediation Here

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The benefits of meditation are many and varied from reducing stress to increasing one’s cognition and creativity. Additionally, meditation heightens our concentration, allowing us to be more productive.

Many people think that they have to flee to a monastery or spend hours a day sitting in a lotus position to receive these benefits. Wrong! If you feel overwhelmed with work, family and personal responsibilities here are three quick and easy meditations to help you release unwholesome emotions, shift your mood and improve your relationships adapted from my book, Wise Mind, Open Mind.

1. Breathing Meditation to Release Unwholesome Emotions

This meditation can help you quickly release any unwholesome emotion or stressful situation and bring yourself back into balance whether you are traveling, at work or at home. The key is to be mindfully aware of your breathing. To do this you breathe in through your nose for a count of three, hold for three, and then out through your mouth for three. The first step is to identify the negative emotion you are feeling so as you focus on your breathing ask yourself, “What am I experiencing?” Once you can answer this question with, “I am feeling anger, impatience, irritability, frustration or even fear,” after your next in breath when you hold for three replace that unwholesome statement with a positive one. For example if you are standing in a long line that is moving very slowly and feeling frustrated, focus on your breathing and replace the frustration with, “I am feeling compassion.” Keep repeating the breathing, hold and statement until you can feel all the negative emotions release from your body and mind. This meditation is a great antidote for road rage when you replace the anger with acceptance; when you get moody with your kids or a co-worker you can substitute your irritability with patience; or if you are annoyed at someone you can replace your impatience with surrender.

2. Walking Meditation to Improve Your Mood and Fight Melancholy

A major part of feeling despair or sadness is the lack of energy or motivation you have to get out of bed, to stop procrastinating or giving in to the feeling that there’s no point in taking action. To remedy torpor and depression, you have to experience the vital life force that sharpens the mind and focuses the awareness like a laser beam. This walking meditation focuses on your breathing and encourages a reconnection with your vitality by paying attention to what’s going on inside of you.

First find a place where you can walk that has minimal distractions — a park, beside a body of water, a bike path or an indoor track, your living room floor or even in an empty stairwell at the office. Be sure to wear comfortable walking shoes and to remain silent throughout your walk, which should last about 10 minutes.

As you begin, focus on your breath, mentally saying “in” on the inhale and “out” on the exhale. In a few minutes, refocus your awareness on your body. Feel how you make contact with the ground and if you are holding tension anywhere in your body. Then shift your awareness back to your breathing feeling oxygen that is always available to you coming into your lungs, being pumped through your heart and bloodstream, and reaching all the cells in your body. Feel the activity in your body at a cellular level, as each cell drinks in oxygen and your blood rushes to carry it to every cell in your brain, fingertips, chest, groin, thighs, calves, and toes. Feel your muscles relaxed and strengthened by this oxygen. Feel your heart pumping steadily and reliably as your life force is pushed through your veins and arteries being mindful of the shifting sensations you feel as you propel yourself forward.

3. Five Minute Meditation to Improve a Relationship

This “wise speech” meditation is helpful if you and a partner, co-worker or friend are having communication problems in your relationship. It can also be adapted for a manager to address any inter-departmental conflicts. The key to this exercise is mindful listening, which means you are aware of not only the words but also the body language and actions of the other person. First person A is the speaker who starts by talking about what is on his/her mind. Person B is the listener who listens in a mindful way and only after Person A is finished sincerely responds with, “I heard everything that you said and I will be mindfully aware of all your thoughts, feelings and perceptions from this moment forward.” Then reverse the roles with Person A being the listener. I would recommend that you put a time limit on how long each person can speak and practice this once a week, three times a week or every other day.

Through these simple mindfulness meditations, we can light up and build up the left-prefrontal cortex in our brain, associated with optimism, self-observation, and compassion, allowing ourselves to cease being dominated by the right-prefrontal cortex, which is associated with fear, depression, anxiety, and pessimism. As a result, our self-awareness and mood stability increase as our harsh judgments of others and ourselves decrease. Even if you can only devote five minutes a day to mindful meditation, doing it while waiting in line at the bank, sitting in traffic, or waiting on hold for computer technical support, you can receive these benefits.

WATCH:

Ronald Alexander, Ph.D. is the author of the widely acclaimed book, Wise Mind, Open Mind: Finding Purpose and Meaning in Times of Crisis, Loss, and Change. He is the director of the OpenMind Training® Institute, practices mindfulness-based mind-body psychotherapy and leadership coaching in Santa Monica, CA, for individuals and corporate clients. He has taught personal and clinical training groups for professionals in Integral Psychotherapy, Ericksonian mind-body healing therapies, mindfulness meditation, and positive psychology nationally and internationally since 1970. (www.openmindtraining.com)

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